Words matter. They convey a specific meaning, both to the speaker and to the listener, but the meaning sent is not always the meaning received. Picture a husband or wife coming in the door to his or her home after a hard day of work. Their spouse is in the kitchen, busily preparing dinner. “Hi honey,” he/she says, “how about a back massage?” If you can imagine the thought bubbles above each of their heads, both are thinking that they would be the recipient of a well-earned massage. Someone is going to be disappointed!
Most fights, regardless of whether they’re between spouses or co-workers, generally boil down to a misunderstanding. The message that was clear to the speaker was not received by the listener in the intended way. The speaker cannot understand why their clear intent was misunderstood. The listener heard the message loud and clear and cannot understand why the speaker is backtracking on what was “clearly” said.
This happened to me on several occasions as CEO of Goldleaf Technologies. As a former programmer, I would often sit in on technical meetings when software design was discussed. I would periodically say something like, “You know what would be awesome?” and then go on to describe something I was thinking. A few weeks later, I was talking with the development manager and asked for a project status. “Well, we were set back a few weeks by the new requirements you provided on the project,” he said. What? I didn’t offer any new requirements, I thought. “You remember we were meeting and you said we should blah, blah, blah.” Wait! I didn’t say go and do that, I just said it would be awesome. Lesson learned, if you are not crystal clear, people will take your words to mean action. This is especially true if you are a supervisor, manager, or executive.
One of the truly great senior executives I got to know at Goldleaf was Henry Baraco. He was at the end of his career, but I still learned a lot from him. One of the true insights occurred when I made a comment about the fact that he never said OK to anything. Henry advised me that OK generally has two meanings. One way means “I agree.” The other means “I understand” or “I acknowledge hearing you.” I think you will agree that there is a big difference between someone saying “I agree” and “I heard you.” So, if my development manager presents a brief update on the project in the hall and I say OK, I might mean I accepted his presented narrative but he or she might think I meant that I agreed with the narrative. What is the solution? Again, thanks to Henry Baraco, the appropriate response is “duly noted.” This phrase cannot, under any circumstances, get misconstrued as “I agree.”
Try out “duly noted” and let me know how it is received in your business communication. And if you can figure out an equivalent phrase that can be used with a spouse or significant other without starting a fight, please let me know.
what’s the real meaning when a woman says “I understand”
I can see why many people would misinterpret words like, “awesome or great” to mean agreement. Yet, I would hate to see us use words or a lack of words that imply indifference. I am also not comfortable with the term “duly noted” as I find it patronizing. Perhaps phrases like, “that makes sense” or “I hear what you’re saying” would work well. The point is, be careful that your words are clear to the receiver, not just to you; duly noted.