The year was 1977. I spent 6 weeks that summer in Switzerland with my grandfather, Ferdinand Schindler and my cousin Craig. I met dozens of relatives I never knew I had and we ate and explored our way through a country that is only 1/3 the size of Florida. It was amazing to see and explore the country in which my grandfather was born and where he lived until emigrating to the U.S. in 1925. And it provided opportunities to experience what might have been.
Here’s one example: The three of us were walking through the small town of Porrentruy in western Switzerland. This is the town in which Papa (our affectionate name for him) was born. He was showing us around when he stopped to talk with a woman about his same age. Neither Craig nor my French was all that good so we quickly lost interest trying to follow the conversation and stood nearby. After about 30 minutes, Papa re-joined us and we continued our walk down the lane. “Who was that?” we asked. Oh, well before I met your Maman, I was planning to marry that woman. What? Now, our interest was piqued to the maximum. That could have been our grandmother! We left Papa and ran as fast as we could down a side street to get ahead of the woman so we walk past her again and really get a good look at her. The deep lines on her face told of a hard life. She had a beard. Not some stubble, I mean a beard! I am sure she was a wonderful woman, perhaps salt of the earth, but she was … tough looking.
As we walked back to Papa, both Craig and commented on what might have been. Our only words to Papa were, “we are REAAALLY glad you married Maman instead of that woman”. He walked in silence for probably 30 seconds before responding, “Me Too!
I have probably told that story 100 times over the years. I truly mean no disrespect to Papa’s former girlfriend. But as I write these words, I have to admit that HAD Papa married her and brought her with him to the U.S. and had a life with him, its likely possible that her outward physical appearance would have looked radically different. And even though we KNOW we shouldn’t, we make judgments all the time solely based on outward appearances. Its what’s on the inside that truly matters. But a glance or even a few minutes of conversation cannot give you enough insight to determine the character, capabilities or Groundedness of a person.
In 2006, I again visited Switzerland, this time with my wife to celebrate our 25th anniversary. We spent 3 weeks hiking through the countryside, eating fondue (actually not that easy to get in the summertime …) and riding their amazing train system. On that trip, I reconnected with numerous relatives I had initially met in 1977. One of them is the nephew of my grandfather (a first cousin once removed?) by the name of Andre Lechot. He is an engineer and inventor and has started multiple companies that have all been a tremendous success. His fascination with machines started as a young boy with a tiny device that made watch parts that he found in a Brockenstube (Europe’s version of a thrift shop). The machine was broken and he set out to repair the machine. Today, after a life filled with inventions and engineered marvels, his retirement consists of finding and reconstructing these devices that were used back in the day to make the incredibly small and intricate watch parts for high end Swiss watches. You can check out his “Tiny Machines” website here – http://www.petites-machines.ch/index.php.
So my wife and I are out to lunch at a beautiful restaurant in Neuchatel with Andre Lechot, his wife Pierete, his son Pierre-Andre and his wife Ruth. During the meal, the 6 of us engaged in a lively conversation that covered both the events of the 1977 trip and what had occurred in the ensuing 29 years. Towards the end of the meal, Andre turned to me and said, “I have to admit, when I met you in 1977, I didn’t think you would amount to much. I am so proud to see all that you have accomplished”. My first thought was, “Wow, his expectation was that I wouldn’t achieve anything resembling a productive member of society!” Upon further thought (and remembering the 16 year-old knucklehead that Andre observed back in 1977), I thought how could he not have arrived at that initial impression?
Here’s an important point. There is a big difference in thinking that someone may not amount to anything and verbalizing it to them. In my volunteer work in local prisons, I see two common themes of the men incarcerated there. No strong moral father in their formative lives and every other person that was in their lives telling them over and over that they were worthless and would amount to nothing. I am confident that were I around Andre Lechot during my formative years, he would have been a constant source of encouragement and positive reinforcement with the appropriate amount of discipline as needed, regardless of what he thought of me at the time. I was blessed to have parents, teachers, and other adults that were a positive influence in those early years, who encouraged me to achieve the most I could with the talents abilities granted to me by God.
Perhaps you have young people in your life, your children, your nieces and nephews or just kids from the neighborhood. They need encouragement, especially pre-teens who are in an awkward stage. Perhaps you are a supervisor or manager and have millennials working under your direction. In general, millennials were raised different from Baby Boomers, growing up to learn everyone received a trophy and feelings were more important than facts. Instead of getting frustrated, you need to provide a clear understanding of what your expectations are for their performance, provide them with the necessary tools and then constantly encourage them to be a success.
Try this experiment. Find one person who you feel doesn’t seem to have “it”. The type of person that you might admit to yourself probably won’t amount to anything. Start encouraging that person, consistently replacing negative feedback with positive, uplifting support. Discipline as needed but strive to consistently encourage rather than criticize. Wash, rinse and repeat. It might take 6 months, but I am betting that in just a few weeks, you will start to see positive results from your efforts. At the end of the day, they still may not turn out to become the person or success that they could have been, but even so, your efforts to encourage them will not be wasted. You will find that its much more rewarding to be an encourager than a curmudgeon. And your attitude towards everyone will change as you begin to see more about what people’s potential is rather that what is immediately apparent. And you will eventually take great satisfaction in telling someone how proud you are of what they have become.